If you’ve been following our story for a bit, you’d know I had a second miscarriage in October and that we weren’t really sure where to go from here. TH has been content with two children, but there was something inside of me longing for a third desperately.
It’s been months of me thinking, struggling, and praying about it all and trying to figure out where I want this to all go.
I can finally say I’m at peace with saying our family is complete as “just” the four of us.
I don’t know what did it, exactly. It was a lot of little things, I guess.
Seeing our four chairs at the kitchen table full and loving the way it looks.
Not wanting to stress myself out for 12 or more weeks wondering if each twinge or pain is the sign of another miscarriage approaching.
Being able to split up evenly on rides at Walt Disney World. Silly, but true.
Knowing it won’t be long before Bubba will be out of diapers and not wanting to start that over again.
Finally loving the way I look and feel and not wanting to change that again, as selfish as that sounds.
Feeling like myself again, day by day, little by little.
Realizing on our next family vacation, both kids can go to Kids Clubs and TH & I can enjoy a night out.
Knowing there are things I want to do which pregnancy wouldn’t allow me to, like running the Tower of Terror 10 miler for charity (yes, I know pregnant people run, I can’t) this fall or traveling for my 30th birthday and not having to restrict what I eat or drink. And a chance to travel more and try to focus on my own career goals and needs.
So many little things, but put together, they create a larger picture. A picture of my family I’m perfectly happy with.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ll always look at a pregnant bump with a bit of whimsy and miss the feeling of kicks or the sweet smell of a newborn. It just doesn’t feel like baby fever anymore.
A year ago, I never thought this would be possible, but it is now. It’s very real. I’m content to be on the same page as TH, to not wince when he tells me he’s scheduling his pre-op appointments, to know we’re making the right decision for our family. I’ll actually take a little bit of a sigh of relief to know we’ve made a decision and are sticking to it. It’s the planner in me, I guess.